Well my dears it has been quite a hectic week for me or should a say a jumble of days....Anywho, as I set here writing to you I notice this balloon I have still filled with helium. A pretty balloon, yellow with pink and blue polka dots on it. It's also has flowers and a butterfly on it. My son gave it to me. I still have the dozen red roses he gave me too. They're dried up now but I saved them. They were the first he ever gave me. I also have the first shoes he ever wore, the first tooth he lost and his first report card. It reads S S S....he was a satisfactory child. I found a picture of him the other day. It was taken when he was playing basketball as a thirteen year old. It happens to be one of my favorite pictures of him. You can see how hard he is concentrating on getting that perfect shot.
When he was around the age of 5 or 6 he had a fantastic imagination. Many a day I would ask who he was playing with and he would answer. "I'm playing with my son". "Your son?" I'd answer with a laugh. "How did you get a son? Did you get married?" And so seriously he would look at me and say, "NO mama, I don't need a wife, I have a son." and go back to playing basketball. Sometimes I would set on the back steps and watch him play with his imaginary friends. "Who are you playing with today son?" I would ask. "Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan" he would reply. Never missing a basket he would continue playing. Everyday he played basketball. I watched his white blond curls change to brown buzz cuts and noticed one day his feet and hands looked way to large for his small body. I told the hubs our son was growing up.
In one year alone I watched him grow 9 inches! I watched his feet grow 3 sizes and my pocketbook shrink trying to keep up with him. Something happened that summer, his son disappeared or he ran away. At any rate he didn't play with him anymore and I was kinda sad to see this happen. I also noticed Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan quit coming around so much and by the time school started again they were no where to be found. He now had new friends. Friends I didn't like. Friends that changed his personality, causing him to be angry all the time. All of a sudden he wanted to hang with an older crowd instead of being my Friday night date. No more going to dinner with mom on Friday night when he could hang with the 8th and 9th graders after school. And girls were starting to notice him.
High School was a nightmare for me. I could have kissed the principal himself the day he graduated. I must have been the happiest mother in the world. I managed to live through what I thought were the worst years of my life. I keep telling myself it will get better. It must get better. It has to get better! Doesn't it?
I look at my own family history and it seems the boys in our family struggle the hardest to make a stand in this world. Why I do not know. I know the girls struggle too however we tend to settle down a lot easier and quicker when left alone. Boys.....I don't know. I see some who never really stay between the lines. They just hover somewhere near the outer rim just waiting for what? Approval? Some kind of stamp that declares they are men? Or could it be the love of a good woman? What? Is a mother's love not good enough? Sometimes I think a mother's love is worn out long before that special woman comes along. Maybe it is best if we just leave them alone to fine their own way in this world.
So as I look up at this balloon with it's flowers and butterfly printed on it, I know one thing is for sure. I may struggle daily with my son to find that common ground, that peace of mind but the love I have for him goes deep. Deeper than he will ever know. I also know the love he has for me goes just as deep.
