Well my dears I had to go for my yearly mammogram today. Got myself all physic out for it. Actually I had to start early in that department. Way back last August to be precise. Yep I'm one of THOSE you know one who can't stand to have it done? Well my girls have been running away for11 months now and they still cringe with the thought of having that garage door slamming down on them.
I am fully convinced a man invented that contraption! I know a woman didn't do! What woman in her right mind would want to put herself thru that kind of torture? I mean if you have never had one allow me to enlighten you on how it's done.
First off you show up for your appointment in a nice quiet waiting room. There is usually soft calming music piped in from somewhere just as soothing, that's to soften the blow you see. Everyone talks to you in a whisper like voice. No need to upset the patient. Once you get checked in they usually have a ton of paperwork for you to fill out so bring an extra hand if you can. I can never talk my BFF into going with me, she always says "I'm never your BFF unless it means work". Well she may have me there... that's why I use N/A works for me, saves my wrist and hand for gripping the million dollar machine later.
Well just like it was timed or something, you hand in your paperwork and lo and behold they are ready for you! Imagine that! So off to the back, down a winding hallway, up 2 flights of stairs, back to the front of the office, up 2 more flights of stairs, enter pass codes and thru a few secret doors you arrive at Fort Knox. This is where they keep the million dollar machine, your tormentor for the next 15 minutes. "Smile, it's really not that bad" whispers the nice lady. She escorts you to a changing area and tells you what all you need to leave on and take off. Ok you say to yourself. About now you are looking for a way out but wait, this is Fort Knox and you can't remember if it was 3 flights up and then to the front or 2 up to the front or back then the code was #388, no wait it was *338. Oh great now there's no way out but this window......and it doesn't open ....wonderful...OK well she did say it's not that bad...sooo OK I'll woman up and go for it! I mean I am a big girl now! So out the door you go with that smile they want you to have!
So in the room with the million dollar monster/machine you go. Wow you think, it looks colder than you thought. The nice petite lady helps you put one of your girls on that metal slab and gets it all in position and the whole time she is almost whispering to you. She says "Now I'm just going to tighten this up a bit to see where we are, OK?" She starts that monster up and bam! It gets tighter and Tighter and TIGHTER. You start to notice the music that's playing sounds more like the music you hear on the Weather Channel just before Jim Cantore comes on. The nice lady asks you if you are comfortable, " No this is really tight!" you reply. "Oh good well, hmmm hold your breath please so I can take the picture." says the sadistic petite monster with the monster machine. And guess what? She screws it down TIGHTER! Yes, she did! Now the music sounds more like that psychedelic music the hippies used to eat mushrooms and take trips to, and about now you could use some of those mushrooms....might get rid of pain and while your at it the room is kinda spinning....hey, that looks like Jim Morrison appearing on the wall.....
All of a sudden the pressure is released and you darling girl is set free! And now the sadistic monster wants your other darling! "NO! you can't have her! Look what you have done to this one! Why it is as flat as a pancake!" you shout, as you run around the room trying to find the hidden door. But alas the petite sadistic monster manages to clone herself three times over and straps you down for the final "picture". Finally it is all over, you can actually breath normally again with only a few sobs and hiccups from all the crying. They allow you to dress and go out into the lobby to wait. WAIT! FOR WHAT? "In case we need to take any over." the petite sadistic monster is now returned to the quiet whispering lady. "Oh HELL NO!" you reply. And with that you grab your things and try to leave. Hours later after wandering around every nook and cranny in the damn place you finally find the lobby. "You must be Ms. So and So, your deductible is $100. Will that be cash, check or credit card?" again this person is whispering to you. Suddenly, you have the urge to punch her eyes out and run for your car as fast as you can. You feel like you are stuck in a time warp or worse still someone else's nightmare. "Whatever!" you mutter to yourself "Just let me go home so my girls can recover from this ordeal!" "The nerve to want you to pay them for torture and all in the name of medicine!" Would you believe on the way out they tell you, "See you next year!" You leave so fast you left 20,000 miles worth of tire rubber behind in the parking lot! Nope, they won't forget about you anytime soon!
Well this time when I got there to fill out my mountain of paperwork I was informed I would have to come back next week please. "Next week? You're kidding me? Right? You mean I just drove 45 minutes to be told to come back later because of a few drops of water on your million dollar garage door?" I replied, and not too sweetly may I add! Well I'm sorry! I just bought one of those cute little mini baseball batts and I had planned on trying to hit that sadistic petite monster in the head ..... I planned all year and a damn drop of water......
So next week it is! That should give me enough time to find the inventor of this damn machine and when I do I am going to enjoy putting his testicles in that machine. Might take some 8 by 10 glossy photos too. Anyone want a copy? Or would you rather just help me bar the door shut? Be nice to see how long it takes a man to find his way out!
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